Some Valuable Insight Into My Bipolar Vision of Grandeur and Why When Medicated I Still Cling to It!

It all started one day when I got a Newsletter in my letter box with about a hundred women's profiles on it from a small time dating agency. I read the newsletter and yet without joining the firm and paying the price of doing so I got a letter from one of the women in the newsletter saying she would like me to contact her via mail. I simply did not know what was happening and being single and lonely after a divorce I wrote a letter including my phone number.

Within a couple of days I got a phone call and we talked for seven hours. This was the longest call of my life and it went from seven at night till two in the morning. She gave me her phone number and we spoke a few more times before one night late at night she invited me to her house.

When I arrived I was told by her sixteen year old daughter that she was asleep. This was a shock to me. The daughter told me that her mother had taken some sleeping pills but had told her to lead me up to the bedroom and have me wake her. In a half awake state us two desperate people had sex.

The next morning she was up late and I was introduced to her brother and four children and the word girlfriend was being used. Over the next week she gave me the most intensive interview I have ever had in my life. She asked question after question and listened and listened and we were doing like twenty hour days with little sleep. Within two weeks she had me move in but had said sex was no longer on the agenda, I could sleep in her bed but we would not be having sex. I have to laugh she could have told me before I moved in with her and the four children.

In the first week she asked me if I was a manic depressive( Bipolar disorder) I asked her what that was. This proves that she had amazing knowledge of psychiatric illnesses and we had been doing heaps of nights up and all days. She had bottles of legal speed like amphetamines and she was eating them like candy and keeping me up and I was just staying up talking and answering questions.

I did not know at the time that this lady was known by my wife and that the introduction agency leaflet and the letter was all a set up and once convinced that I was a manic depressive she did everything you should not do to someone like me.

I got so tired but the more tired I got the less I could sleep. Even when I did sleep my dreami were running so fast that I really wasn't getting sleep. I was not getting deep and needed sleep.

Right when my sleep was being affected she took out a Bible and turned to Revelation chapter 11 in the Bible about the two end times prophets of doom and said that she and I had that mission. In my sick state and in the state of being a Bipolar that could handle such a BIG delusion I swallowed it fully. And to be frank folks it has never ever left me.

Two weeks later I was in a hospital with a full blown episode and what many people without mental health knowledge was a breakdown. I stayed ten days and threatened a malpractice suit to the hospital and they let me go with medication.

Prophecy that doesn't help me

In Christian circles we have a gift that some people have called the gift or prophecy where a person can give you a message about your future. One day six months before my breakdown a pastor of a church with 400 members had said in my future I would be one of the world's biggest known preachers. He told me that I would get over my current heartache and come out of the dark tunnel I felt I was in and when I was healed of my emotional pain and God was ready I would be a world renowned preacher that everyone would know in Christian circles.

The pastor was a visiting speaker and was so accurate about the dark tunnel that I was in and the inner pain I had experienced in my life up till then I just could not reconcile that this message was false about my future as he could not have possibly known about my current state. To this day I still like to think this will happen, but even belief in this prophecy that one day I will be a world renowned speaker and looks like author is still what most doctors would call a vision of grandeur.

So you can see my faith in this prophecy coming true gave me the faith that this mad women's saying I was going to be this prophet was true. To be this prophet you would be one of the biggest names in the world and the pastor's prophecy backed it up.

Now you health professionals who have not any faith in a Christian God are most probably pulling your hair out at me, but as of writing in the past 20 weeks 28,000 people have read my articles and 1000 people read a week and I post about five to ten a week up.

This year I have three books being prepared and this year I will be doing some of my first preaching engagements. We all know that if one excels in what they do and they really dedicate themselves to it anything is possible. And yet I am declared insane to think I can become in the top five International speakers in the world.

Can you see how crazy I am?

Many people say that Moses did not wrought ten plagues on Egypt. Why many people are even saying Jesus had a baby with Mary and married and died a normal death and did not even die on a cross.

But how can you help me medical guys?

I think it quite funny that I am declared a maniac for thinking such thoughts that I could be this great preacher in the future and yet your science can't prove that I won't.

Many good inventors and artists and writers were called maniacs and insane like me until they had their breakthrough and then history records them as a genius. They say that there is a fine line between genius and madness. Could it be that some maniacs like me simply push on no matter the obstacles and cling to their vision and dreams and do it for so long with passion that they have a breakthrough?

Can your sciences dispute that?

I take my medication faithfully yet my vision persists very strongly. This week I have self published my first book and at my rate of article growth and search engines finding my articles and all of the Bible I know and understand I think I can write five days a week for two years if I put my mind to it. Your disability pension gives me a basic income and your government housing gives me cheap rent and the health system has been my safety net. Could I preach and write my way to stardom?

Could I really be one of the last two prophets?

It's all a mystery to me. I feel that I could be and I find very few people, in fact no one in mental health has ever been a Christian who has spoken to me on my level.

You know Solomon King David's son who wrote the Book of Proverbs in the Bible said this.

A fool in his heart says that there is no God.

It's a big insult that verse from one the worlds wisest men to the modern scientists and health professionals that tell me not to reach for my dreams and for me to stop letting my God speak to me in my mind.

I mean no disrespect. I love the public health system as I stay out of hospital with their medications but do I have to give up my dream of becoming a world recognized speaker.

All big things seem to have small beginnings. And if you have read this, you are just one more person that has read something I have written.

Where else can I go? I can only do what I can each day, pray to my God, write and preach and if my reputation grows so will my schedule and if I speak on profound sort of stuff in the Bible and other things, perhaps like Rocky I might get to fight with a world title champ in the big ring.

Am I crazy?

Yes I am.

Have you got some encouraging words for me? Take the time to write them as a comment to me. I have lectured mental health professionals four times as a guest consumer at their conventions and meetings and have had them bursting their sides with laughter at the antics I have been up to in my life in this illness. But today I hope you have learned something.

Yeah I am not Jesus. I know that for sure, but keep this article in a safe place in your files and in say five to ten years if you hear about me in Christian circles at least you can call me a genius instead of a madman!

With all my love and blessings

Matthew Robert Payne

If you have enjoyed my article you can read the book "The parables of Jesus made simple" for free here in its entirety or just selected parables in chapters at http://www.parables-of-jesus-christ.net/ The book will be published in book form in January 2011